Surrogates are angels to intended parents. There’s no better gift a couple can receive than having the gift of a baby if they don’t have one. It is not easy to carry a baby for nine months for a surrogate and to let go of the little one that she has grown to get attached to. This is why it is important to make the journey as easy as possible for her as well as the intended parents. One way to do this would be by building a relationship with the surrogates you are looking forward to being acquainted with, leading to a smooth and pleasant experience for both parties. There might be certain doubts in your mind about establishing a healthy relationship with your surrogate. It might be painful for you to see someone else go through this journey that you dreamt of going through yourselves, but we hope that this article helps you realise the benefits of having a healthy relationship with your surrogate.
In India, due to the prevalent surrogacy laws, you would most likely know your surrogate mother. According to the latest bill, commercial surrogacy is banned in India. This means that only altruistic surrogacy, wherein the surrogate carries a baby without any monetary benefit is allowed. Henceforth, it is vital that a healthy relationship is developed between the intended parents and the surrogate which may even turn into a lifelong friendship.
Why Should You Build a Relationship with your Surrogate?
- You may or may not choose to tell your child about his or her birth story but if you do, having a healthy relationship with the surrogate mother is a cherry on the cake.
- You are going to be a parent and this gift will be given to you by her. You do not want a bumpy ride over the course of the next nine months.
- Surrogates usually feel that this is one of the most meaningful acts of their lives and they would like to be appreciated. A little acknowledgement goes a long way in showing your gratitude.
Let’s start with the foundation: like any bond, the basis of building a relationship with surrogates is trust, communication, appropriate boundaries and flexibility.
You are putting your faith for your baby in a woman, who may or may not be a stranger to you. If she is, imagine how nervous she might be as well. She would be carrying a child for nine months, all for someone else. She chose to walk through this challenge to light up your life. Therefore, she needs to know that you trust her. Make her feel comfortable with you and your partner. She must be able to tell you about her feelings and if she is facing any teething troubles. This process goes vice-versa. She would want to feel that you know that your baby is in good hands and trust you.
You know what they say about communication being the key. If you are an introvert, start light. You may not know what to talk about exactly but that’s alright. Start with having a conversation about each other’s expectations. It is important to lay your questions about each other on the table. You are about to undertake a beautiful journey together and it is crucial that you establish a rapport with each other wherein you can talk easily and freely. Ask her about her hobbies, preferences, family and her aspirations. Let the relationship develop organically.
Sometimes, intended parents tend to become too close to their surrogates and end up promising something they might regret later. Hence, it is good to establish certain boundaries. Try to have realistic expectations. You may not be able to anticipate everything that would come up and therefore, introspect regularly on where you are in your relationship with your surrogate. Make her feel comfortable. Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how you would want to be treated if you were a surrogate. It is okay to worry about her health but do keep in mind how she would feel if you are calling her up for the fifth time in a day. If you want to join her for the next doctor’s appointment, let her know and ask if she is okay with it.
You may be new to parenthood and quite excited but try to understand that your surrogate has a life outside her pregnancy. She has her own family and her own expectations too. Flexibility, in this case, is quite important to bear in mind. You may not always be her priority but trust that she is taking care of your baby. It is tempting to call her up about the tiniest of things such as that the weekend trip she took or that extra chocolate she ate. But cut her some slack and give her some space. Pregnancy is not an easy ride and she knows what she had signed up for.
Tips to Build a Relationship with the Surrogate
You would already do great keeping up the above mentioned points in mind but if you do need any more tips, here are a few more points you may jot down:
- If you find any common hobby such as movies to enjoy or reading or going for a yoga class, make time to do it together. It will help you bond and make her realize that she is never alone in this journey.
- Keep track of her food cravings and any particular dish she likes. It will show her that you care.
You will find that by building a relationship with surrogates you establish a personal connection with her marking the beginning of a beautiful journey that you have embarked upon together.